I've spent plenty of time recently railing toward my husband for this terrible and painful place he's led us to. My anger is justified, and my pain is understandable.
In addition to my own torrent of emotions, I'm positive he's experiencing his own pain and horror. Sometimes I think not, but only because he doesn't show it. I have not seen him exhibit the sort of emotions that have spewed out of me these past few months. But then I'm a very emotional person and you can always tell how I'm feeling from simply looking at my face.
I often wonder how he must be feeling. Is he in pain? Does he miss his family? His bed? His dog? His favorite things - grilling on Saturday nights, weekends in bed and breakfasts with me, or any of the hundred other things we used to do that he enjoyed? At least I think he enjoyed them. Maybe not. Maybe I am fooling myself to think he was ever truly happy with me.
On a few occasions, he has said to me "don't think you are the only one suffering". That comment always pisses me off because it seems so dismissive of my pain and the significance of what has happened to me personally. But I think the point he is so poorly trying to make is that he is suffering too.
Which begs the question...why? Why are we both in so much pain? Why did this have to happen? Why did he let it get so out of control?
But then, on the other hand, maybe he is perfectly happy with where he is today. He has very little responsibility. But the flip side of that is that he has a lot of time on his hands to think about all that has transpired. While I am busy doing the 2 million things I must do every week, he gets to sit and mull over the current state of affairs. I'm not sure which is worse - having too much time on your hands to think about why the bottom has fallen out of your life or being overwhelmed at all the things that must be done by someone who often can't even get out of bed in the mornings due to inertia and sadness.
In spite of what he has done here, I am sympathetic to his pain. You don't stop loving someone and feeling their pain just because they did something that hurt your feelings. Ok, so he did more than hurt my feelings. He betrayed me - over and over again. But I still feel his pain. And my own.
I do so hope he is in pain. Not because I am vindictive or hateful. But because it would mean that he cared about me. And he cares about what has happened to us. And that he is human.
