In 1983, the Marine barracks in Beirut, Lebanon was bombed by a Islamic terrorist organization. Hundreds were killed, the majority being US Marines stationed at Camp Lejeune, NC. I was born at Camp Lejeune. My father was a career Marine and we were stationed there most of his career. My family knew a number of those killed, including our next door neighbor. At the memorial service later held on base, I recall the Chaplin saying "we have a day with which to match our mood". It was a cold, gray, rainy day. It surely matched the enormous sadness we all felt.
That comment popped into my head again recently. I've had a string of gray days. To compliment my gray mood, the weather has been cloudy, rainy, and equally gray. I've had a mood to match the weather. Gray, teary, sad, depressed. A period of disequilibrium.
I can't pinpoint what triggered it. Perhaps it's the thought - never far from my mind - that I've been abandoned by the one person in the whole world I thought would be my best friend forever. And I don't understand why. Or maybe it's that my house is falling down around me, and no matter how much money I pour into it, it needs more. I fixed one big problem this week only to discover another. How discouraging. Or maybe it's my worries about my finances. I have plenty to live on, but not much left for my son's college expenses. Which seem to mount by the day. Who knows...all these things individually are enough to send most anyone into a funk. But you glue them all together, and you have an understandably anxiety-producing situation.
I am trying to climb out of this hole I am in. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to feel overwhelmed all the time. I don't mind scrimping and saving to pay for college, but I do mind feeling like I can't buy groceries cause then I won't have what I need to pay the next round of tuition. Things aren't that bad...but the overall anxiety sometimes makes it seem that bad. But don't worry. No one here is hungry. We have everything we need and then some. Just cause we want something doesn't mean we need it. So we're ok. But I sure can work myself into a tizzy over it.
What to do? I don't know. Just keep muddling through. Don't give up. And actually, today is a little better.
Maybe that's cause the sun is shining.
