In a conversation with my husband last week, he made a comment that my son has always disliked him. I told him I didn't think that was true. But later I asked my son how he felt about my husband over the years. The answer totally blew me away.
In the early years of our relationship, my husband worked very very hard to integrate himself into my son's life. He went to all the school meetings, all the basketball and soccer games, all the cub scout meetings. He volunteered to be a scout master for years, volunteered with the PTA, did all sorts of things that parents do for their kids. During that time, it seemed that my son and my husband had successfully forged a close and loving relationship.
But then a very bad thing happened. Adolescence. And oh my, was it a whopper. Whew! I look back on those years with amazement we made it through them in one piece. That's when their relationship began to fall apart, I think. The husband withdrew and the son rebelled. There were the typical teenage struggles with peer pressure, pot, alcohol, sex. A land mine of issues to navigate. My husband didn't handle those things very well. He supported and stood by me, but not my son. An important distinction.
So when I asked my son recently how he felt about my husband, he didn't hesitate to give me the answer. He said he felt deserted. He felt he constantly asked my husband to do things with him, and was constantly turned down in an arrogant and condescending way. I know what he means by that. I noticed it too on occasion, but I really had no idea it stewed in my son's head as it did. My son said he watched his friend's father do things with them - work on cars, go fishing, go camping. And he felt betrayed and resentful that he didn't have a father who would spend time with him like that.
I see that now. I didn't at the time, but I do now. I can't recall many times at all my husband did something my son asked him to in the last 6 or 7 years. They went to a couple of hockey games together, but that was only because it was something they both enjoyed. But he didn't enjoy tinkering on cars, fishing, or any of the other things my son was interested in. So he didn't do them...not even as a way to spend time with the boy whether he enjoyed it or not.
As parents, we often do things with our kids we don't particularly enjoy. I can't tell you how happy I was when he finally lost interest in scouting. Or when I no longer had to sit at basketball practice after a long day at work - and pretend to be impressed with his athletic ability. These are things all parents do. It's part of parenting and we do them with love. Adolescence is no time to lose interest and to stop spending time with our kids. But that's what happened. And it had far more impact than you might think.
That conversation with my son was an eye opener. Not only did it give me important and appreciated insight into how he felt, but it propelled me through some of this separation junk at lightening speed. Suddenly I don't feel so betrayed. I feel encouraged. I am more determined than ever to see this divorce through.
