I knew the first round of holidays after my separation would be difficult. Thanksgiving was just the first taste of what it will be like to “celebrate” the holidays without my husband. As a couple, we loved the holidays. They were always a very happy time for us.
In the days leading up to Thanksgiving, I did everything possible not to think about how much I did not want to face the holiday season alone. I tried to stay busy so not to think too much. When I did think about it, tears sprung. And then when I learned that my husband would be spending Thanksgiving alone, I swung between feeling horrible that he was alone, and then briefly, just briefly…I thought “this is what he deserves”. I hated that he was alone on a holiday we so enjoyed for so many years as a couple. It hurt me.
Thanksgiving Day was a good day. I wasn’t the emotional mess I anticipated, and I thoroughly enjoyed my houseful of friends and family. There were a few teary moments in the morning, but I quickly moved past it – had too much food to cook and people to hug and love. It was good.
Friday, the day after, wasn’t so good. Guess I came back down to earth. I made a decision earlier in the week to proceed with a tradition my husband and I enjoyed: holiday pops with the local symphony. I attended with a couple of girlfriends, but completely missed the joy of the program. Instead, I spent the entire two hours fighting back tears and feeling lost and alone that I was there without my husband. It didn’t feel right at all. For the low price of just $45, I was able to completely wallow in two hours of my own sadness. It was awful. I couldn’t wait to get home and pull the covers over my head.
Sheeze. If Thanksgiving was this bad, what can I expect at Christmas?
