I'll be a single woman soon. Forty-eight hours from now, my marriage will be dissolved and a thing of the past. Or at least it will be dissolved, but it will be a long long time before it is a thing of the past.
These days leading up to the court hearing have been hard, but they haven't been as awful as I feared. I have a sense that once the divorce is final, and it is behind me instead of in front of me, things will be very different. I hope I'm not disappointed in that. I hope I don't completely dissolve in the days following the divorce. After all, what's the point in that? What is it going to buy me? Not a darn thing.
It is pointless for me to be an emotional mess. Sometimes I can't avoid it and I feel like I've been crying for the last 6 months and I'm sick of it. But really....it's not like it makes me feel better to get it out. It doesn't. It makes me feel worse. It gives me a terrible headache and leaves me exhausted. So, why bother?
A standard piece of advice is to stay busy during these tough times. I have discovered that is excellent advice. On the days that I'm very busy, I do much much better. On the days that I'm not so busy, or especially if I am at loose ends for the evening with no structure, well, those are the times I don't do so well. I need to book myself with a full schedule for a while. That won't be hard.
One night last week, I told my husband that I did not want this divorce. Not that it should have been a surprise to him. He didn't feel the same. He wants the divorce. But later, it occurred to me that we've gone about this all wrong. Most couples, when it becomes apparent the marriage is on a down hill slide, will do something in an effort to save it, even if it's fruitless. They'll see a marriage counselor. Read a book on how to save your marriage. Speak to a minister. We did none of those things. That's a shame. Or maybe it would have been pointless. But how will we ever know?
I read somewhere recently that divorce is a "managable tragedy". I like that phrase. Managable tragedy. Divorce is indeed a tragedy. But it encourages me to know that it is managable. It means I can manage the awfulness of it, the loneliness, and the goshawful fear.
