It's been nearly 6 weeks now since my divorce was final. I still haven't figured out why that was such an important milestone for me. As I said, it's not like anything really changed that day. I'm still not living with someone I loved, and I'm still dealing with the loss. It is what it is.
One of the things that has hit me, particularly in the past week, how much easier and how much harder it is to deal with life's little bumps by myself. There was a "thing" that happened last week, and it caused a bit of drama and tears. It wasn't a tragedy, but it could have been. No one died, we're all going to recover. But as I was dealing with the fall out, I found myself missing my husband a little more acutely than I did before.
Having him around in a crisis was both a good thing and a bad thing. It was a bad thing if it involved my son. There was plenty of guilt I dealt with in those times. A struggle between doing what I felt was right for my son, and doing whatever it was my husband would consider appropriate, which were usually two different things. But it was also a good thing cause he was a rock of strength when the going got tough. This is when I really miss having him in bed with me, and those hugs that oughta be insured by Lloyds.
This is the first crisis I've dealt with since he left that did not involve him. So in that way, it was a first.
Things are going to be fine, but it's left me feeling very alone this week. I really am on my own now. That sucks. And it doesn't.
